Stuff has been hard recently. Realising you wasted 2 years of your life on someone who would always bring you down and take from you is tough to stomach. Coming to terms with things that happened years & years ago is never easy. Being led on and used is hurtful and makes you feel like a fool.
These are an amalgamation of all the things that have gotten me down recently.
A friend texted me recently to see how I was and after a conversation told me that my 'little heart is sad'. That's exactly what it is; everything has just piled on top of me and it's turned the sunny days grey.
I've written these things partly with the hope that it will help you smile, and partly as a form of catharsis.
1) Allow yourself to go through the motions
Don't be ashamed to feel upset or angry. Human beings have the capacity within them to be incredibly hurtful and really, really stupid to their fellow animals.
Get mad, get sad, cry, throw things about, dance to loud music - anything that allows you to express yourself.
Don't question it - don't question why something has made you so upset, just ride the feeling and go with it. Embrace it, wallow in it, revel in being human and feeling stuff. Enjoy it - enjoy being utterly self-indulgent.
Tell yourself not to stonewall or block your emotions, but to experience them like some sort of river you are traveling on.
You are an emotional Pocahontas, so get your canoe and go round the freaking riverbend.
Take time to observe how you react; how and why the tears stop coming, the mental images that still make you smile, the beating of your heart when you get angry.
Congratulations - you're learning about yourself and developing a relationship with yourself.
2) Look at pictures of animals
We all know how much I love animals by now (and if you don't, this post will help you remember)
Animals are beautiful and wonderful things; they love unconditionally and only do what is best for the species. Animals are simplistic and fluffy and cuddly and need feeding and routine and they simply are fantastic.
For example, here is a gorgeous dog with a glass of wine balanced on his head:
And here is a pug who really wants some bacon:
Google all your questions about what has gone wrong for you and trawl through forums to see if the answers match up.
Read about different experiences. Read about heartbreak, again and again and again. About love lost, and above all love found and things going bloody right for once.
Read about tentatively hoping for the future. About trust.
Read fantastic poetry, dark poetry, beautiful poetry.
Read until your soul is full with all the other people in the world and their thoughts; hold them close and embrace it.
Go create. Write those feelings down and store it somewhere special. Don't be afraid to express yourself (remember no.1) despite how cringeworthy it might seem.
Look at the above picture. It should inspire you. Silvia Plath is my favourite poet and she has some excellent reasons.
5) Make a fuss of yourself
So you want to spend £20 on a Chinese take out and watch re-runs of New Girl whilst wrapped in a towel with a face mask on? Do it. So you want to take a walk in the rain with no coat on just because you like getting soaked to the skin? Do it.
Do everything. Drink a cappuccino, sit on a squishy leather sofa, go to places that make you reminisce, places that make you gasp at their beauty. Look for hidden meanings in lyrics that apply to your situation; just indulge in baths and candles and beautiful bedlinen and expensive pajamas.
6) Give yourself time
Don't rush into something else. Fill yourself up with you for once. Take some time for yourself for once. Tell people to go f*ck themselves for once. Don't allow people to take advantage of your kind heart for once. Surround yourself with the same sex for once. Flirt with all the boys for once. (Ok, I always do that)
The point being is that you need to get used to your inner heart compass pointing due North, to yours truly, to you and you alone. You are reprogramming.
You'll be suffering from a surfeit of time; time spent on the phone to try to help people or perhaps time spent trying to catch someone's attention. When all this time lands in your lap it is somewhat bewildering, somewhat tempting to just give it to someone else. Well, I believe it helps to volunteer. Give your time that you don't know what to do with to those who don't have a hope in the world; to abandoned animals, people without homes or families.
7) Always remember - whatever terrible tragedies that have happened in your life, things that have been said, time and experiences lost, feelings battered and bruised - your heart is not 'broken' - your heart is just sad. It will mend.
I hope you enjoy reading this post as much as I've enjoyed writing about it.
'Til next time x