Click the jump for FEELINGS, EMOTIONS and all that other stuff, direct from the month of May…
When I first started writing I really didn’t want to blog about personal things if I’m totally honest, but they say writing is a form of exorcism for the mind. With that considered, I thought I’d write a monthly update (originally named Take A Moment by yours truely) as a catch-up on what has been going on. I’ve put these updates as ‘after the jump’ text – so if you don’t want to read them, you don’t have to.
If I cast my mind back a mere couple of months ago it seems phenomenal to see how far I’ve come and how much things have changed for me. I’m now solo, living in central London with new flatmates and a new job – but previously I was coupled up, shacked up and heading nowhere fast.
I don’t really want to write in great detail about my previous relationship – but although I miss the security, I am glad in a way that I had the strength to end it. However comforting something might be & however much you care about the person, if it saps your energy and makes you feel small & insignificant it probably isn’t a good thing. Illusion and time are powerful blinkers.
It has all served to make the last month sharply more real; like the optician switching the lenses at an eye test. “Which is clearer?” I can’t shake the fact that I’ve not really been living life properly and to the fullest for a long time. Everything feels more real; from a simple walk to work to choosing what I’ll have for dinner. A couple of days ago, I booked a holiday solo to Portugal to surf; something I never would have dreamed I’d have the confidence to do before.
Everyone has said to me – meet someone new, go dating, meet up with exes or old flames or people that nearly-where-but-never-happened – but to be honest the one thing that this has taught me is that isn’t what life is about. Which isn’t to say that boys are out of the equation either, but more to realise that partnering up with someone should not be a life goal, however pressurised I’ve felt into doing it by others in the past. I want to just be me – and if someone thinks I’m awesome enough to come along for the ride, I’m not going to tell them to go away just for the sake of it. (Isn’t it the case that people seem to fall into two camps – the omg-you’re-25-your-ovaries-are-wasting-away and men-are-the-devil-FEAR-THEM…)
I’m hurting too – friends have abandoned me (the perils of dating within a set social circle) and people I thought would stand by me have shown their true colours. After living with someone for two years, you are amazed to find how many buddies have dropped off the face of the earth and how few people have stuck by you. I don’t blame them. Wherever I go next, I will never let someone forceful deprive me of my friends or define who I am. I have good days and bad days – days where the hours roll by and I seem to be stuck in a constant inertia, and days where I’m genuinely happy & productive. I’m not going to lie, today hasn’t been the latter, but I feel immeasurably better after writing this.
So now is a time for healing, for licking wounds and patching up grazes; for looking after myself and making the best of myself. For the first time (in what feels like 5 years – two relationships back to back) it is time to actually figure out what it’s all about. Yes, it scares the bejesus out of me, but I hope it will be a marvellous adventure.